Accomplished

I finally made time to update and fix up this blog the way I've been wanting it for a while. I'm happy with the outcome. I might add a few more things but the majority of it is done. While I was going through each post to add "labels", I skimmed through some of the post from a few months back and man am I glad i have this blog. I'm grateful for this blog because it keeps track of my life, what I want through during this part of the year and yadda yadda yadda. It's amazing to look back and see where I used to be and where I am now. I follow so many blogs, and I read a lot a blogs as well, and some are more developed than others and I could see where I tried to imitate what some people were doing on their blogs. For example, quotes of the day and talking about music and stuff I knew I couldn't keep up with. I had no clue what I wanted this blog to be in the beginning, that's why I started over from scratch and then I still couldn't get it together but now I know I have. This blog is my personal blog to just talk about what ever I want to talk about, what ever interest me, not to impress anybody, if I'm not being heard in the "real" world I can come on here and express myself. Now why did it take me so long to figure this out? We all arrive at an understanding of something at our own pace. I was on my own pace :)

_Peace & Love 

How I feel at the moment

I'm having a little bit of a hard time letting go of the we and embracing the me. I'm not talking about my identity, I'm just talking about the memories. Once I let go of those then I will feel like I'm making progress in my self-edification process. which is lifelong by the way. Is the point to forget or to deal? If the point is to forget then that would mean I would be an actor in the Men In Black and Will Smith would use that little device on me that would erase my memory about everything we had and didnt have. My guess is to learn how to deal. I think it wouldnt so hard if I didnt love love and everything that comes along with it, good and bad. How do I deal with the fact that we has divided into you and me;separately. A woman's intuition is very strong and so is her urge to cry when the love of her life has gone left, dead or alive. Were you the love of my life or just someone that was just nice? I'm just going through all the phases, the ones everyone says I'll go through. But it's not like it's my first time it's happened before. So I should be used to it right? I guess that's why they tell you and I not to get too comfortable but we never listen, us men and women. Remember that line about intuition, yeah I already know what's going to happen. When all of you spring flings and winter snuggle loves begin to break up then that's when my time will come, it never fails... unless it's really a new beginning. I think I'm having a hard time embracing the me, not because I don't know myself or because I need someone, it's just because in my nature I love love. I'm in love with love. I know myself, I found myself, and all that other jazz  but it's just as simple as that, I love love. But every lion needs it's down time to adjust to the "seriously this is a real new beginning". So of course I can't forget and don't hope to forget about the we because that would mean we never were, which means I am not the me that I know and love. But i will be bigger, bolder, and better than ever after my hibernation

Something didnt feel right

How have I been dealing with the break up? Ive been flooding myself with watching TV shows online. I figure if I dont keep myself busy I'll keep crying like somebody died and it's only a break up. So I've been watching girlfriends, the game, big love, and movies. I guess it helps. Once every episode is watched and thought about and every movie on my list is scratched off, the only way I stay away from the tears is going to sleep. The day of the break up and the day after it happened I cried my eyes and all the snot out of my nose. I dont think I can produce anymore tears that will be equivalent to my confused feelings about how someone that loves you gives up. But every time I think about what and how it happened, a stream forms at my bottom eye lid. All of these questions I've already asked him and he's already gave me answers to, I want a different answer. How is an hour too far to travel to see the person you love? So you basically didnt love me enough to want to travel and see me to make it work? I'm not rich at all. I dont have a car. I wonder how different the relationship would have been if I had a car or if I didnt go to college. It was so hopeful on new years eve and I believe that's why I'm so upset and disappointed. New Years Eve, meant a new year and finally this new year we were going to try everything to make it work. I feel like he exhausted the possibilities of it working because he had already gone and made up his mind without letting me suggest anything. I feel like he gave up on me... even though he said he didnt give up on me... he just gave up on the situation. But the way I'm feeling... I am  the equivalent to the situation. Me and the situation ( no Jersey Shore )  are same and he gave up on me. And the cherry on top is that he says he isnt coming back! But you know what, I cant help but listen to my gut feeling and my gut feeling  doesnt agree not one bit. I was thinking maybe my gut feeling doesnt agree because I dont want to face the truth but I just dont believe that and I believe he made a big mistake on a huge impulse. But I guess just because a person is the love of your life, you guys have to be together. As you can gather from these scattered thoughts, I'm still fresh and raw and confused but in due time I will have come up with a plan to living with the fact that he doesnt want to be with me for the simple fact that the distance from him and me from my school is an hour and he just doesnt want to drive, which means to me that he doesnt care about me.

Happy Father's Day

So yeah, I dont know when Father's Day is. I had to ask someone last week and then just now I had to look it up for myself. Sad huh? Not really. Why? Oh, because I come from the stereotypical single mother home. I really have no reason to remember when it is since I've never had to buy a father's day card or gift. So why do I care about Father's Day then? Well because I do have uncles and some of my home boys  are fathers and I want to celebrate them on their day.

I would like to commend the advertising this year because it's way more than I have seen in a long time for Father's Day. In the past, they just had one commercial contrasted to mother's day which had all the advertising in the world. I guess they figured out this year that the fathers that are actually doing what they need to do deserve appreciation.

And I just wanted to thank all of you men out there that take care of your children, regardless your relationship with the mother. Thanks for making a difference in your child's life. Thanks for not just "being there" but being involved and supportive. And thank you to the men taking care of your girlfriend's or wife's children. At least you stepped up to the plate and played the game that their biological father quit.

I thought about getting my mom a Father's Day card/ gift but then I thought "I'm trying to save the little money I  just got" and also "My mom has never and never will be a father, that's why she was made my mother - she played her role and continues to each and everyday." Now i know alot of people that grew up without their fathers buy their mothers gifts but I just feel like I would be celebrating her in the wrong way. I could say my mom has been both mom and dad and in theory she kind of has been but to be honest with myself she hasnt. All she has been is my mom and I'm totally grateful.

I'll just wait until her birthday and mother's day to really celebrate and appreciate her.

Happy Father's Day again :)