Just The Way

I write a lot about love. All the ends and outs. All the sweet moments from the beginning to the dreadful endings that seem to always get stuck in our minds more than the good times. The good times that actually happened but are foggy because of the indescribable things we do to the ones we love. I write a lot about love because I am love. I use the word "love" extremely too much. Any realist would say that someone can't simply love that many things. But the truth is, I really do. I love people. I love red heads. I love animals like lions, crows, turtles, dogs, cats, on occasion a spider here and there. I love trees. Big and tall. I love smiles. I love hugs. I love heart to heart conversations. Conversations just for the heck of conversing. Conversations to resolve an issue. Conversations that teach me something new. I love shoes. I love music. I love clothes. I love colors. I love food. I love velvet (that's random). I write so much about love that I harshly criticize myself for not writing about anything else. There are so many other things to write about in the word. Politics. News. Environment. Fashion. Food. People. Places. The human body. But I choose to write about love. Sometimes I'm annoyed and eagerly frustrated at my consistency in writing about love. I've been trying my best to venture and talk about other things, but I end up right where I tried to escape from. Even my daydreams and conversations with myself are about love. I sometimes daydream about writing love letters to the persons I can't stop thinking about. I actually dialogue with myself about what I would write in the letter while pacing the floor of course. I write about love a lot. It's in my blood. I live everyday through my heart's eyes. This is no glamorous life. Why do you reckon people live by "love ain't shit", "don't wear your heart on your sleeve",   what's love got to do with it". I believe they all say it because some how some why they have been hurt. I have had my feelings hurt, crushed actually. I have felt like someone was stabbing me in my precious heart. But no matter those emotions I felt, my affair with love remained intact. I cannot escape it. It pumps through my veins and pours out of my mouth. It appears in my smile and can be seen in my eyes. Talk with me for a little while and I guarantee you'll hear the L O V E in some form of the word if not the word itself. When me and another person are in a relationship, they have no excuse but too know that I love them. Strange thing is, I don't like saying "I love you" that much. Weird huh? I'd rather feel it through my bones and have you listen to my heart beat. I'd rather show you through me cooking for you, buying you a cheesy watch with your favorite cartoon, listen to you, take interest in what your life is becoming, kissing your neck, massaging your back, being playful with you. I need to get more better comfortable with saying "I love you". I don't want that to be my biggest regret when I get old. When I get sick. When I die. I didn't say it enough as I showed it. I didn't balance it out. Sometimes just saying the words in writing, over the phone, or in person is what someone you love and care for needs for that moment. I don't doubt that love needs to be shown, but I also understand the beauty of it being said. Like many things in this world, showing love and saying "I love you" needs balance. In my opinion. I hold the belief that we are all connected. Yes all of us. Even the mean old woman who looks at you disgracefully. We are all living on this planet, together. The land mass of this planet is huge, but we are interconnected that I'll bet we both have someone in common. Or the person we have in common has someone else we know or familiar with in common. It's a small world. It's true. Even if we never meet, you apart of me and vice versa. We share this planet and all of it's resources with each other. Oxygen. Water. Soil. Sunlight. Back to my point, when I miss people I love I always try to tell them how much I miss them. New though forming right now, if I hold the belief that we are all connected then how can I simply say I miss them like we are separate from one another. They, whomever they are, say love knows no bounds. That's referencing the physical distance. I read something about something the French say. Regardless if it's true or not I'm using this in my semantics. Supposedly, and no there is no references or sources to this information, the French don't really use the words "I miss you". They instead say  "Tu me manques" which closely translates to "You are missing from/to me". I don't know French so corrections are welcome. My point though is the difference that translation has. If I was to text a significant person in my life: You are missing from me, I feel like automatically without hesitation they know how important they are to me and a smile is guaranteed to be on their face or in their heart. Man. Just think to hear that from someone. How would you respond? What would you think? I think there'd be no questioning if someone loves, thinks, misses you with those words. You are missing from me. It just sounds like you are essential to their being. I write a lot about love. I love love. There are no ifs, ands, or butts. I write a lot about love. It'll never stop. There's a vast world out there in the topic of love. I'm here to explore every inch. 

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, I know I enjoyed myself. As we continue to move on in this new year I made no resolutions. I just want to continue to love myself, love others, be healthy, listen more, speak up more, and continue to be TRUE to myself.

How I feel at the moment

I'm having a little bit of a hard time letting go of the we and embracing the me. I'm not talking about my identity, I'm just talking about the memories. Once I let go of those then I will feel like I'm making progress in my self-edification process. which is lifelong by the way. Is the point to forget or to deal? If the point is to forget then that would mean I would be an actor in the Men In Black and Will Smith would use that little device on me that would erase my memory about everything we had and didnt have. My guess is to learn how to deal. I think it wouldnt so hard if I didnt love love and everything that comes along with it, good and bad. How do I deal with the fact that we has divided into you and me;separately. A woman's intuition is very strong and so is her urge to cry when the love of her life has gone left, dead or alive. Were you the love of my life or just someone that was just nice? I'm just going through all the phases, the ones everyone says I'll go through. But it's not like it's my first time it's happened before. So I should be used to it right? I guess that's why they tell you and I not to get too comfortable but we never listen, us men and women. Remember that line about intuition, yeah I already know what's going to happen. When all of you spring flings and winter snuggle loves begin to break up then that's when my time will come, it never fails... unless it's really a new beginning. I think I'm having a hard time embracing the me, not because I don't know myself or because I need someone, it's just because in my nature I love love. I'm in love with love. I know myself, I found myself, and all that other jazz  but it's just as simple as that, I love love. But every lion needs it's down time to adjust to the "seriously this is a real new beginning". So of course I can't forget and don't hope to forget about the we because that would mean we never were, which means I am not the me that I know and love. But i will be bigger, bolder, and better than ever after my hibernation

realism vs. optimism

I guess my main thing is that I dont think I can picture you loving anyone else other than me but I'll keep working on my realism because I know it will happen someday.

Something didnt feel right

How have I been dealing with the break up? Ive been flooding myself with watching TV shows online. I figure if I dont keep myself busy I'll keep crying like somebody died and it's only a break up. So I've been watching girlfriends, the game, big love, and movies. I guess it helps. Once every episode is watched and thought about and every movie on my list is scratched off, the only way I stay away from the tears is going to sleep. The day of the break up and the day after it happened I cried my eyes and all the snot out of my nose. I dont think I can produce anymore tears that will be equivalent to my confused feelings about how someone that loves you gives up. But every time I think about what and how it happened, a stream forms at my bottom eye lid. All of these questions I've already asked him and he's already gave me answers to, I want a different answer. How is an hour too far to travel to see the person you love? So you basically didnt love me enough to want to travel and see me to make it work? I'm not rich at all. I dont have a car. I wonder how different the relationship would have been if I had a car or if I didnt go to college. It was so hopeful on new years eve and I believe that's why I'm so upset and disappointed. New Years Eve, meant a new year and finally this new year we were going to try everything to make it work. I feel like he exhausted the possibilities of it working because he had already gone and made up his mind without letting me suggest anything. I feel like he gave up on me... even though he said he didnt give up on me... he just gave up on the situation. But the way I'm feeling... I am  the equivalent to the situation. Me and the situation ( no Jersey Shore )  are same and he gave up on me. And the cherry on top is that he says he isnt coming back! But you know what, I cant help but listen to my gut feeling and my gut feeling  doesnt agree not one bit. I was thinking maybe my gut feeling doesnt agree because I dont want to face the truth but I just dont believe that and I believe he made a big mistake on a huge impulse. But I guess just because a person is the love of your life, you guys have to be together. As you can gather from these scattered thoughts, I'm still fresh and raw and confused but in due time I will have come up with a plan to living with the fact that he doesnt want to be with me for the simple fact that the distance from him and me from my school is an hour and he just doesnt want to drive, which means to me that he doesnt care about me.

Happy Father's Day

So yeah, I dont know when Father's Day is. I had to ask someone last week and then just now I had to look it up for myself. Sad huh? Not really. Why? Oh, because I come from the stereotypical single mother home. I really have no reason to remember when it is since I've never had to buy a father's day card or gift. So why do I care about Father's Day then? Well because I do have uncles and some of my home boys  are fathers and I want to celebrate them on their day.

I would like to commend the advertising this year because it's way more than I have seen in a long time for Father's Day. In the past, they just had one commercial contrasted to mother's day which had all the advertising in the world. I guess they figured out this year that the fathers that are actually doing what they need to do deserve appreciation.

And I just wanted to thank all of you men out there that take care of your children, regardless your relationship with the mother. Thanks for making a difference in your child's life. Thanks for not just "being there" but being involved and supportive. And thank you to the men taking care of your girlfriend's or wife's children. At least you stepped up to the plate and played the game that their biological father quit.

I thought about getting my mom a Father's Day card/ gift but then I thought "I'm trying to save the little money I  just got" and also "My mom has never and never will be a father, that's why she was made my mother - she played her role and continues to each and everyday." Now i know alot of people that grew up without their fathers buy their mothers gifts but I just feel like I would be celebrating her in the wrong way. I could say my mom has been both mom and dad and in theory she kind of has been but to be honest with myself she hasnt. All she has been is my mom and I'm totally grateful.

I'll just wait until her birthday and mother's day to really celebrate and appreciate her.

Happy Father's Day again :)

Appreciatin', Lovin', and Rockin' the new growth

I must admit that when I started this relaxer stretch on my hair that I was quite nervous.I mean I had just got through stretching my perm a few months before but I didnt last as long as some of the ladies on YouTube did so I wanted to push myself. And I do have to say that it's coming up on the 6th month and I am having so much fun with my hair. I like touching the curls, naps, kinks, kitchen, whatever you prefer to call it. I Love it.

A little back story as to why I have been stretching my relaxer for so long. Late 2009 I decided I wanted to see how long my hair could grow so I decided to not cut it until it got as long as it possibly could. YES! My reason is just that simple. It wasnt because I desired healthy hair or wanted to go natural or any of the other reasons alot of Black women have, I was just curious to see how long it could get. So I did my research on youtube of course ( I'm a visual learner) and they basically have an entire African- American hair community. I seriously don;t understand Youtube doesnt set it up for them to have their own section in the beauty section but whatever. Anyways I watched an endless number of videos ( I'll post an entire list of some of my favorite channels) and read alot of blogs ( I'll post a list of these too ) and I went on black hair care forum websites via google ( I'll post some of these too ) and learned an enormous amount of information for myself. I would say the most important thing I learned from each and every source is that "Just because it worked for her hair doesnt mean it'll work for me".

I'm learning to truly and honestly appreciate my new growth. I'm allowing it to be new growth and not hurry up and run to damage it with that creamy crack. I am still relaxed and I probably still will be until I feel like I want to cut my hair and go natural. Yes, I have thought about going natural. I mean when you watch natural hair channels and health hair channels, you get inspired. Trust me if you are disagreeing with me you probably will have just a tiny urge to go natural. But going natural aint for everybody. I'm just so happy that I learned to appreciate and show love to the growth that is curly. I dont use heat on my hair anymore ( even though I got a little excited a few weeks ago with the blow dryer I bought for $12), I co-wash ( conditioner wash ) my hair, wear transition styles ( styles that a person who is going natural/ stretch so that their hair is minimal manipulation), deep condition regurlary, oil scalp, moisturize, sleep with a satin scarf.

I see up there I was basically about to list my regimen/ routine. I'll save that post for anyone who cares. But the moral of this post is I LOVE MY NAPS! It took a while to get used to but this is the longest I have stretched my hair and I'm so super happy I'm doing it. Let new growth be new growth. Yeah it's thickness for sure but once you get that perm, you're hair will show you results or not but hopefully it will. Anyways if anyone whose reading this interested about why, how, what I use, and everything like that just hit me up. Peace.


[photo credit: Google via search kinky afro]


*I was jammin' to: Earth, Wind and Fire - Boogie Wonderland
                             George Clinton - Atmoic Dog
                             Cypress Hill - Insane in the Membrane
                             Eric Roberson - How Could She do it
                             Eric Roberson - She
                             Eric Roberson - Pave a New Road

Love is not a color

How passionate these ladies were about how they insisted that a black man be their husband no other race shall take his placediggin' up the ROOTS of our [ African- American ] history and tellin the trials and tribulationsand how hard us women have held down the Black Family when it was supposed to be the menbut instead you could find them cuddled up with a white woman?How furious they were when they saw interraical couples NO, let me rephrase that, a black man and white woman holding hands, minding their own business and in true lovebut the black woman is angry because he is a sell out he is a disgrace to his race and has disrespected his mama, grandmama, sisters and cousins oh and let me not forget that has has some self-hate within him [ just goes to show you how ignorant people are ] Love is not a color you are "SUPPOSED" to love with your heart and not your eyesyour eyes see that person [their face, body, hair] but with your heart you see [their heart and that heart speaks truths] Why all the hostility and rudeness and bitterness towards a black man with a white woman. 

Why cant he genuiely be in love with her? [ 'cause she cant do it like a sista, haha she must be doing something YOU can't ]And just to let you know all of "US" [ African-American, White, Native American, Chinese, Korean, Hispanic, European, and many others] we were all going to come in contact or meet n' greet or whatever regardless, it was in THE PLAN [ for all the believers] why cant you be happy for DIVERSITY why must you be so angry and try to segregate LOVE LOVE is LOVE look at yourself in the mirror that black man probably didnt want you because of YOUR attitude who cares about those BLACK men out there that generalize all BLACK women with attitudes and jealous of white women if you know it aint true then brush it off and keep smiling and live you life and finish up that assignment HE gave to you when you were born on this EARTH they are only "OPINIONS"and what are "OPINIONS"?? [ it is a belief that may or may not be backed up with evidence, but which cannot be proved with that evidence. It is normally a subjective statement and may be the result of an emotion or an interpretation of facts; people may draw opposing opinions from the same facts/// source: wikipedia ] guess what though [ OPINIONS are neither wrong nor right ] 

So if you bitter 'cause you mad that white girl is with a black man, go out for a long run and really think about youself and think about how ridiculous you are minding someone's business thats not your own Calm down, breathe, look in the mirror and say "God loves me and cares for me" you sittin here tryna preserve the black family...ummm almost every African-American person is mixed with someone i said ALMOST not all you are wasting your time that man loves that woman let US smile and be merry for THEM

Always & Forever

So you are dead now, and i didnt get to say goodbye. Because honestly you are never supposed to say goodbye, because realistically goodbye means you will not see that person again forever or for a good time. So see you later is the best thing in my opinion to say. But as I sit here still trying to grasp why you are dead, my friend, my baby, my boy, why you are dead and why you will never come to the Z again and make me smile with how you walk and how you will never make me mad with something that you say, I cant stop crying. Why cry when you two kind of got too busy to even hang out anymore? I cry because i know that even though i got to see you before you died, it wasnt enough for me. I wish i would have valued our friendship more, and spent more [valuable] time with you. Life is too short they say. True but if every moment is spent carefully and valuable and with the people or person you care for the most then the life that is short is worth it. I love you. I will always miss you. You are my angel. Forever my baby. Forever my great friend. I want to apologize for the rudeness and now that you are gone of course the apologies start to come. I pray that your mother heals from this pain that she is feeling right now, but she probably never will because her son is gone, but with prayer she will live with just like me and all the other peoples hearts that you have touched with your kindness. Did you ever imagine that I would be writing you a goodbye letter? I mean did you ever think you would die at the age of 19?I would have never guessed it. I honestly thought i would be screaming your name at graduation and at those football games ( By the way... we won our first game HOMECOMING '09 :]). But just because you are not physically on that football field doesnt mean you are there. I know you will be there mentally and spirtually and I'll scream your name out ever chance I get. I know i used to piss you off and I know that you used to like me alot but we were meant to be friends and my head is hurting thats how hard ive been crying. I miss you so much and its just been a day. Your teammate is in a comma, hopefully him and his dad fully recover. You have fully recovered because you are dead. Anything that has been stressin you out or frustrating you or makin you mad, doesnt matter anymore because you are no longer here on this earth but you always exist in heaven and in my heart. I know you were probably confused and probably wondered if i ever really cared about you and if you were truly my friend, well ill send you a picture of me crying my eyes out and while my eyes are puffy from all the snot and tears mixed together and that should explain that I cared alot about you.. I loved you and still do. If its ok, can i please use your death as a personal lesson to start treating my friends with more respect and to always check up and pay attention to my friends before its too late? I gonna miss your tight hugs, and that huge smile, and your slick mouth, and your huge personality.Hope to see you soon

-Love, Atarah.